I lay in bed and quietly look on you as you sleep. It’s 1:02 am and I’m tossing and turning. I look to the barren floor, searching for him sleeping as he had for over a decade. Hearing that last gasp of breath as the needle emptied in him made our existence even more empty. I cried for weeks, but not on your shoulder. I held you. I caught you. I always do. Not soft kisses, not caresses, not any tenderness from my hands or lips could bring you back. How could you betray me? Why must you castrate me with your words? How can you expect me to not fear your crazy anger?….. Your runaway selfish emotion is like a locomotive without brakes. I’ve stopped listening. The echo of your rants keeps me up at night, angry, staring at the ceiling running from the nightmares. Its sad being forgotten, insignificant. And you wonder why your friends flirt with me…….how they whisper….”You deserve better.”
I remember when we slept entangled, and the touch of our flesh was warm and alive. I remember when my hand slipped between your thighs in the middle of the night, and you needed me, you whimpered and whispered “Oh God….I want you.”……..and still…..I want you…..
Yes, I’m addicted. I’m not a physician or scientist. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know in my heart I’m addicted to sex and masturbation. I should have seen this coming ages ago. Maybe I did and through my own denial I refused to admit it. I refused to call my actions anything but my own right to seek pleasure, in the way I was mentored and taught through the actions of others. I mean if you are told masturbation is normal, a natural thing by a parent, you may always believe it is. In the least when your denial is full blown over a desire or compulsion that you crave and hunger for, you relate back to what you have been taught.
But it is what it is, and reality can not be denied. I recently have read two interesting blogs. For those of us addicted to masturbation it might be interesting for you to read these as well.
I have seen my work ethic slip over the last months and years. I have been distracted and forgetful, negligent in my duties. Once I get sidelined by an online friend, or find myself browsing the internet for porn, I suddenly realize it has been too many hours since I did what I was supposed to do. I have had days or a week where I have not had a computer in front of me and I have been extremely productive, and then I have days that were a complete waste. I knew when I was not in front of my home computer, and I was not free to perv the internet, I was happier and content, smarter and energetic. But like any addiction, it pulls you to the source of pain and false comfort by an orgasm.