The Girl They Wanted.

I was a young boy when my father made the most hurtful comment. My father was holding me in his arms as he through a scarf over my head and said, “Look……doesn’t he make a pretty little girl.” My mother said, “Oh my…..yes he does.”

I will say it scared me. I will also say I was her little boy and she loved me deeply. I grew into an adolescent and did all the things boys did, normal things like baseball and played army with m,y friends. But I always wanted to please them and felt I came up short in that one way. I wasn’t the little girl my Daddy wanted. He always talked to my girl cousins when we had family gatherings and ignored me. When I got brave enough to confront him, I asked why he ignored me. He response was, “I see you all the time, I rarely see them, so I take the opportunity to be with them”

I never wanted to go to my grandmother’s house for Christmas, my girl cousins would be there and I hated his behavior. I was of course made to go. One night my youngest cousin slept over. She was slightly older than me by a few months. We slept in my room and had a great time as we always did. She and I both changed separately in my room. I remember she changed her pink panties and put on new ones. Her clothes were strewn all over my room. After she had finished it was my turn. I went to my room and saw her pink panties laying on the floor. I’m not sure what caused me to grab them, but I did. I hid them in my closet, deep in some boxes. When I cam out and saw my cousin sitting on my dad’s lap I was so envious. Her tee shirt was pulled up just enough for me to see the white panties she had changed into.

Some days later I had a tee shirt on and I went to get her pink panties. I dug them out from the secret hiding place and put them on. I went out to where my father was sitting and crawled on his lap. He looked at me and asked, “Did you loose your underwear?”

He told me to go change and act like a boy. I was a boy, but for him I wanted to be a girl.

Oh no…..I’m addicted……..Really…….

Yes, I’m addicted. I’m not a physician or scientist. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know in my heart I’m addicted to sex and masturbation. I should have seen this coming ages ago. Maybe I did and through my own denial I refused to admit it. I refused to call my actions anything but my own right to seek pleasure, in the way I was mentored and taught through the actions of others. I mean if you are told masturbation is┬ánormal, a natural thing by a parent, you may always believe it is. In the least when your denial is full blown over a desire or compulsion that you crave and hunger for, you relate back to what you have been taught.

But it is what it is, and reality can not be denied. I recently have read two interesting blogs. For those of us addicted to masturbation it might be interesting for you to read these as well.

From: [disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/]

[https://disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2015/08/17/the-hypofrontal-damage-of-porn-addiction-and-loss-of-ambition/]

From: [http://www.artofmanliness.com]

[artofmanliness.com/2014/10/07/men-and-porn-why-is-the-pull-of-porn-so-strong/]

[http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/10/08/the-possible-pitfalls-of-too-much-porn/]

I have seen my work ethic slip over the last months and years. I have been distracted and forgetful, negligent in my duties. Once I get sidelined by an online friend, or find myself browsing the internet for porn, I suddenly realize it has been too many hours since I did what I was supposed to do. I have had days or a week where I have not had a computer in front of me and I have been extremely productive, and then I have days that were a complete waste. I knew when I was not in front of my home computer, and I was not free to perv the internet, I was happier and content, smarter and energetic. But like any addiction, it pulls you to the source of pain and false comfort by an orgasm.